CrossPointe Community Church: Corinth, TX

Update on Mandie

Let me start by telling all of you “thank you.” Mandie and I continue to be so very humbled by ALL of the prayers, emails, texts and calls! It is rare that God gives you an opportunity to lean so completely on those around you. We are truly blessed to have you in our lives. You have been a beautiful picture of the constancy of Christ in all of our lives, in the way you all have constantly prayed and been present in the midst of this storm. 

Having said that, let me update you on what has gone on, what the next several weeks will look like for us and some of the things that we are learning. As many of you know, on June 18th, Mandie had a craniotomy to remove a benign tumor from the top of her brain stem. God intervened and in an undeserved act of grace healed her in an absolutely amazing way, that left doctors, nurses and many of us completely stunned. She walked out of the ICU 18 hours following her surgery and was discharged from the hospital 18 hours after that! Let me press pause, and say that our God is so good, but even if He had not healed her, God is still good. Saying it another way, God’s character is not dependent upon the outcome of this situation. Christ gave us everything in redeeming us, everything else is simply an undeserved act of His grace.

The initial days following the surgery were amazing, I had my wife back. Four days after being discharged, however, she took a noticeable downturn. Her debilitating headaches were back, and we spent more hours than I care to recount in the ER at Baylor Dallas. This set back culminated in me scooping her up and taking her against her will back downtown. Words cannot express the helplessness there is in watching that which is most precious to you suffer so greatly, and knowing there is nothing you can do to ease her suffering. Her pain was so great that the only medication that seemed to have any effect was Delaudid, the medical version of heroin. We spent essentially the next full week on the neuro floor of Baylor Dallas, or “3T” to the ‘insiders,’ it’s something of a club. They pumped her full of more steroids, fluids, norco (hydrocodone & tylenol), and delaudid than I can describe. They discharged her with a full week of steroids and a dosage regiment of norco that would kill a small horse.

Two days after completing the steroid regiment, Mandie woke me up Sunday night, July 4th, vomiting and with a severe case of vertigo. She was bedridden for the next 3 days, finally getting it under control with steroids, norco, pepcid, zofran, and melklazine, an anti-dizziness medication. At one point, we counted 9 different medications she was on just trying to keep her recovery headed in the right direction and out of the hospital. 

The next eight days were relatively uneventful, she had her good days and bad, but seemed like she was finally headed in the right direction, until a week ago this past Friday, July 16th. She began to complain of “pressure headaches” which has traditionally been indicative that things are about to get really bad, really quick. We had some left over steroids that we stretched over the weekend, in the hopes that she could get through what we were hoping was a rough patch. Monday, the 19th, the steroids ran out. Mandie deteriorated rapidly, and Wednesday morning she was unable to get out of bed, and we ended back up at our doctor’s office. He assessed her quickly and admitted us to the ER at Lewisville. They ran a CT to rule out a hemorrhage, ran a spinal tap believing she now had meningitis which is common in brain surgeries and began running Delaudid for pain and antibiotics that would kill anything and everything. Midway through our time at the ER in Lewisville, our Neurosurgeon called and wanted her transferred downtown. We spent 7 hours at the Lewisville ER and for the second time in a month, I watched them load my precious wife in the back of an ambulance in hopes that we can ease her suffering and get her to someone that could help her. 

We arrived at Baylor Dallas ER, at 2:00am, Wednesday morning, the 21st, and over the course of the next 14 hours we waited. Waiting to see a doctor, waiting for an ICU room, waiting for the pain to subside, waiting for answers. Waiting. Waiting sucks. We can put a man on the moon, but we still have to wait. Is it meningitis? If so, what kind? First they said no, then yes, ultimately they admitted they weren’t sure. “We don’t know, we will have to wait to see.” Infectious Disease doctors, Neurosurgeons, ER doctors, Primary Care doctors-- “We don’t know, we will have to wait.” This was our only answer for nearly 24 hours. 

She was on two of the most powerful antibiotics around, Delaudid, Decadron, Pepcid, Zofran, Phenergren and others I am sure, just trying to keep her up. Though, Mandie’s pain had now become so great that Delaudid was not helping and her condition began to slip even more. Through 9 years of marriage, 3 children, a craniotomy and a recovery that has been less than stellar, I have never seen my wife in a condition like her’s Thursday afternoon. For the first time through all of this, I actually thought, “I think I am going to lose my wife.” I was so scared, so heartbroken. I am not sure I have words yet to articulate the feeling of looking over this cliff. In a panic, I called our primary care physician, who was a friend from college and has been a constant in the midst of this storm. I explained to him what was going on, he said you need to get the nurse now, page the doctor now, tell them you have seen a significant decline in her mental capacity and you want her reexamined now. I will never forget his words and his tone, “Brian, you need to do this now, get them now, refuse to let this go, she’s in serious trouble, and I am very concerned. In fact, Brian you shouldn’t leave her again.” My wife was actually worse than she was 14 hours ago when she arrived. I was completely spent, and now had to go pick a fight with those who were supposed to be helping my wife, just so they would pay attention. This was easily the lowest moment to date. It seemed that at this point, everything was going against us. 

I mentioned earlier that God is good, He was good even here. He owes us nothing, anything in addition to the redemption He offers through Christ is bonus. In the midst of the darkest, lonliest, painful, scary storm I have ever seen, God was good, God was gracious. Graciously, He sent good friends and men I respect deeply by about every 2 hours to encourage, love, hug and cry with me. He could have left me alone, these men and women were an act of God’s grace. Graciously, He spared my wife’s life, she’s alive, for now. Listen, she’s going to die, you get that right! These doctors, any doctors only offer temporary fixes. At this moment, the darkest I have seen and hope to ever see, my soul longed for Christ to return and put an end to ALL of this! ALL of this medicine, all of these doctors, everything we have is chasing after the wind. They are all temporary fixes, death comes for us all, even my precious wife. God’s character is not dependent upon the outcome of this situation, because the outcome of the ultimate situation has already been resolved. Even in the darkest hour, with that which is most precious to me laying in a bed in a dark room, nearly unconscoious from pain, actually believeing she may not make out of that room, God is good.

Three long restless hours later, 24 hours after this episode started, we were transferred to a room, not even an ICU room, they were still unavailable. About an hour after we were transferred, the steroids, pain killers, antibiotics finally began to kick in. Finally. Finally, the tide began to turn. Finally, Mandie began to have some relief; finally, I saw my precious bride’s beautiful blue eyes and they weren’t wrought with agony; finally, we began getting some answers. Finally.

Finally, we began to get a clearer idea of what was causing all of these problems. Initially, the diagnosis was meningitis, all the initial tests indicated she had symptoms consistent with it; however, the results of the lumbar puncture were bringing back numbers and results that were not consistent with someone who had this terrible condition. Finally, we met with our Neurosurgeon who had consulted with the Infectious Disease doctor, and the two of them felt certain it was neither bacterial, nor viral meningitis, but most likely chemical meningitis. I had never heard of chemical meningitis, and actually thought they were making it up at first. It is a chemical reaction that the body has to a substance, which causes the body to present with symptoms consistent with meningitis, though it is not contagious. 

So, what they are thinking is that when they did the craniotomy, they removed the tumor, but they also removed a portion of the dura, which is the lining of the brain that the tumor had attached to. They used a synthetic graft to cover the portion of the dura that was removed, and we believe that Mandie’s body is attacking this graft, which is causing all of these symptoms. This is good news, and bad news. The good news is that the doctors seem pretty certain this is the root of the issue. The other good news is that chemical meningitis is not fatal. The bad news is that it will most likely require another surgery. The plan as it stands today is that we will do one month of steroids in hopes that this will buy her enough time to allow the graft and Mandie’s body to learn to play nicely. The doctors are not optimistic though, and have begun to tell us we need to mentally, emotionally and prayerfully begin to prepare ourself for another surgery. 

So, let me stop and give a couple of prayer requests. To all the sweet little old ladies that were my Sunday School teachers growing up that have a prayer life that shames me, please pray that these steroids buy us enough time, and that Mandie’s body learns to cooperate with this graft. The impression we get from the doctors is this is not likely, and so will be yet another act of God’s grace to us, if He chooses to do that. Second, would you pray that God continues to sustain us through this storm; that we might continue to see His hand, continue to lean into Him; and to simply continue. Third, would you pray that God would ready Mandie and I for the very real possibility that we are not done here. Finally, would you pray that God will be merciful to our children. The last 5 weeks have been exhausting. We are all tired, but we are still in the fight, we are still swinging. Having said that, it is one thing for me to be in the fight and be tired, it is another heartbreaking thing altogether to explain to your precious 7 year old why she’s not done, to hear her weep and confess, “I am so tired of this.” Pray that God protects Gracie’s heart, as well as Emma and Kaleb’s, that the next 4 weeks will be an opportunity if nothing else for Mandie to feel better, rest and regain strength; as well as, an opportunity for her to reconnect with the kids, and for them to see that we will laugh again. 

One of several things I have learned through all of this is that we will laugh again, we will smile again, happy days will come again. Ecclesiastes tells us there is a season for everything, “a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance.” A couple of lessons here, first, there is a season for everything, including suffering...there is a season to suffer. Suffering is not bad, but in fact there are lessons that can only be realized in the midst of tremendous pain. Make no mistake, suffering is not fun, but it is edifying. Second, we love to celebrate. I mean our family, we love to celebrate, we celebrate anything, everything. We love to celebrate, but it seems inconsistent that we would gladly, willingly, diligently accept a time of celebration from the Lord, but not a season to suffer. It seems inconsistent, that we would reluctantly walk a road of suffering. 

Another lesson, I am learning from all of this is what it truly means to be desperate for Christ’s return. Revelation 21:4-6 tells of Christ returning, and simply saying, “It is done.” That’s it! The game’s over! I have waited long enough! It’s all over! When Christ returns, there will be no more crying, no more pain, no more of any of this. Genuinely my heart has ached for this over the last week. Christ would you come, come now! End all of this misery, end all of this pain. Let the old order of things go, and let the new order of things be established. Let there be peace, let the doctors be unemployed.

Finally, I am learning what it means to beg Jesus for something and for Him to say no. I have begged Jesus to make my wife well, to ease her pain, to make her well again, and since her initial surgery, His answer has consistently been no. I have clung to Spurgeon’s words, “that we must trust His heart, when we can’t trace His hand.” I still don’t know why, I still don’t get it, but I am seeing fruit of His answer already. I know what it is to be the care giver, not just the provider for my children now. The last 5 weeks have been exhausting, but the last three weeks of me playing Mr. Mom, as well as Dad, has exponentially grown my relationship with my children. Also, my wife and I have a tremendous relationship, and there is another book about the ways the integrity of our relationship has been confirmed through this storm. God has bound our hearts and continues to deepen our relationship in ways many husbands and wives never know. I have also learned that sometimes it’s not the ability to take a punch that matters, but the ability to get up and take another one, and another one, and another one. I have learned that toughness isn’t the ability to take a shot, but the ability to stand there and take several shots and not run. That’s tough, my wife, she’s tough. Finally, we’ve always believed that our suffering is not lost on God, and that He has us on “3T” for a reason. 3T is not a happy place, it is where many go to die. Our ICU nurse commented, “The LUCKY ones, either walk out of the ICU or die.” This is the mentality, there is much sadness on 3T. Over the last 5 weeks, we’ve grown to know the nurses, we know their names, their kids names, we know their stories, and we’ve had more opportunities to have gospel conversations and to shine light and hope into such darkness and despair. If God would be magnified through the hell that we have walked through then I am humbled God chose us.